Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
