if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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