I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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