I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
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