I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
