I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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