Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
