Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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