I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
