i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
