No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
