Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
