ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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