I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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