I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Vodka?
Forever.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
