I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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