Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
