I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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