3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Randomize
