Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
