Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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