They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
