Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
