Just took my morning after pill in the library
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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