i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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