i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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