I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
