She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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