final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
