i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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