Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
