You made me cry and you don't even care
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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