Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
