At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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