I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
