i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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