tonight lets celebrate not being married
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You ate ashes out of my bong
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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