I want to have your abortion
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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