how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
