Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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