I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
