It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
He kissed a someone with a penis
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
