This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
