Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
