I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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