bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I need to calm my uterus...
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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