just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Randomize
