I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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