Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
