It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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