I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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