I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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